Hate is too Great a Burden to Bear
by aanaleigh
Summary: Clarke leaves her people after the mountain, and unknowingly places herself directly in the line of fire for another war. The Commander tries to shield her from it, to not involve skaikru, but by this time, it's too late. War is nearly upon them, the coalition is falling apart, and the duty to her people still must come first.
1. Three Days

Darkness cannot drive out darkness;

only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate;

only love can do that.

Martin Luther King Jr.

* * *

Three days she'd just wandered around the forest. For once there was no sense of urgency to be anywhere. So with no need for a destination she wandered in circles.

Three days before her feet led her back to the drop ship. She stopped before the ruined hunk of metal. It already looked different from the last time she'd been there. With Anya. More of the forest was taking back the land. There were no more bodies laying around, Clarke had spent hours gathering them, placing them around Anya's body and burning them. It was their custom, and now, knowing more about them, Clarke couldn't bear to allow their spirits to be held there.

Despite how tired she was, Clarke knew she couldn't stay there long. There was too great a chance someone from Camp Jaha would catch her. So after only a few minutes of rest, Clarke finally looked around, trying to decide where to go.

Camp Jaha was to the southeast, so that direction was out. Going north was also out. It was getting colder already, and going north while winter was nearly upon them. She would just be asking to die. If she went west, she had no idea what she would find. Maybe someone hostile, or maybe nothing at all. To the east was the ocean. She remembered looking down at Earth from her cell on the Ark. The ground was better then she ever imagined it would be. Maybe the ocean would be too.

Her mouth was dry and so was her canteen. There was a river around somewhere, but she was too thirsty to concentrate on where to go. She'd survived on berries so far, the ones she knew for sure were safe. Though she practiced with the knife she had, she still sucked at doing anything with it. Her gun was tucked into the waist of her pants, but with so few bullets, she didn't want to waste them unless it was an actual threat.

Stumbling over roots, Clarke's mind began to wander. She could recognize where she was. Near Mount Weather. Thoughts of Lexa clouded her mind. Anger burned through her veins as she recounted what happened on the mountain. She thought of the way Lexa looked at her just before turning her back on her. It made her mad to think that Lexa felt bad about leaving her, about putting her people first. Clarke hated that she had to kill everyone in the mountain because Lexa walked away.

How many people could have lived if they had just stuck to the original plan? How guilty would Clarke still feel if it had just gone the way they thought it would. Would she be out here wandering the wilderness? Would she be in camp with her family and friends? Would she have gone to Polis with Lexa, learned a new way to live? What if?

Suddenly feeling as though she can walk no further, Clarke searches the area to find somewhere hidden to curl up. She finds a small cave just feet away from where she stopped. It doesn't go far back, and it shields her from the wind. Unable to make a fire, Clarke just lays on her side, her back against the rock, her gun beside her head. Her eyes drift closed and she quickly falls into a deep sleep.

 _Melted faces stare at her from the trees. She can't make out any faces, though she knows who they are. They whisper words through the air, but none of the words make any sense to Clarke. She takes a step towards them, but finds she's unable to move her feet._

" _I bear it so they don't have to."_

 _She turns on the spot at those words. She'd said the same thing to Bellamy when she left. She looks into the face of Dante Wallace. There's blood on his chest, blossoming out from where her bullet hit him. She opens her mouth to tell him to leave, when she hears the one voice she wishes she didn't._

" _I made this choice with my head and not my heart." The words cut deep, and Clarke flinches away._

 _She turns to face them, her chin held high. "I didn't," she says. She made her choice with her heart. She chose the people she loved, the people she knew from birth over many. There were so few of her own people versus over three hundred of the mountain people. She chose her heart._

 _The faces faded away, leaving Clarke nearly alone in the dark. She can hear footsteps, but her eyes remain on Lexa. Deep down in her heart, she knows that what the other girl did was for the best, had she known about the deal, she would have urged her to take it. Here in her dreams, she could admit that to herself. Here in her dreams, she could watch herself make the same decision every time._

 _She would always make the decision to help her people first. She would always take care of her own._

The sound of a twig snapping wakes her up. She grabs her gun and stares out into the trees. After several tense minutes, she hears nothing else and lowers her gun. It's early morning and a thin fog has settled over the ground. Figuring that she might as well get up and continue her journey Clarke stands and stretches. She tucks her gun into her pants, and picks up the small pack she had picked up from the drop ship. She stares at the sky for a moment, pinpointing the sun, and begins walking.

She's near the entrance to the mountain, and without a second thought, she alters her path to come to the large metal door. It's left slightly ajar, just as when they had left with their people. She spends minutes staring at the door. Too many memories flooding her mind at once.

~0~0~

She feels exhausted. She's not really sure what's keeping her going at this rate. The only time she had slept was just after they set up the relief camp. Once the tents had been set up, someone, probably Indra, and pushed her in the direction of her own tent. Once she saw her bed, she collapsed in it, falling asleep almost immediately. Thankfully into a dreamless sleep.

Once awake though, she hadn't stopped. She'd gone around to all those they'd rescued from the mountain. Talking to them all, asking them if there was anything they needed. She wasn't a healer though, and couldn't help with many of their injuries. Instead, she took to staring at the maps of her lands, and trying to figure something out. They needed to rebuild TonDC. It would be important to get it done before winter approached them. Many of the survivors were Trikru. Several were from Azgeda, considering how close they were to the border. A couple were from Ouskenjon Kru, and a few more were from Floukru. Trikru would provide a guard to each clan to help get their members back home.

Currently, she was trying to figure out a good route for the Azgeda to go by. She wanted them out of her lands as soon as possible. Though they were part of the coalition, she doubted that would last for too much longer. Without a common enemy, they would resort to what they did in the past. Attacking Trikru. Trikru was the next largest clan after Azgeda. Queen Nia had long desired the land, and the power. There had been many wars in the past where she tried to take over. The last Commander had died by her hand. With the coalition, and Trikru leading it, Nia would see it as an even bigger target. Though no Trikru would follow her even if she did manage to take them over. For generations they had been led by the Commander's spirit. Only those with black blood would ever be able to become Commander. That was why they had a special school in Polis.

Her stomach growled and Lexa put down one of the little wooden figures she had been holding for the past while. Sighing she turned to sit down on her throne. The familiar wood was comforting and soothed some of her thoughts. One war had just been won, but her mind was already going to the next one. She wanted peace for her people, but somehow it seemed like the universe just didn't want that to happen.

"Heda."

Lexa glanced up at the enterance of her tent. "Come in."

Indra entered carrying a plate of food. She set the food down on the table, to the side of the map. "Everyone has eaten, and you have not left this tent in hours."

Lexa glanced at the food. There were a couple pieces of meat, whatever the hunters managed to kill that day, and a few berries. "I am not hungry."

Indra just raised her eyebrows. She was the general for Trikru since Anya had passed, and in that time, she had quickly learned just who Lexa was, and how she acted. "Heda-"

Lexa held her hand up. She didn't want another person to look out for her. Anya had. Gustus had. And now they were both dead. If Indra tried then she would probably end up dead as well.

"How are those from the mountain?" Lexa changed the subject.

Indra accepted the change. "They are getting better. Several of our own have already left to go back to their villages. They were close to home and wanted to see their families. The Azgeda are nearly well enough to begin their journey home."

"They will leave as soon as they are able. I will send a few of our warriors with them to ensure safe passage."

Indra nodded.

"The mountain?"

"Fallen."

Lexa looked up in surprise. And relief. "She did it."

"Our scouts say that Skaikru were headed back to their camp carrying several injured. Clarke was among them."

Relief flooded Lexa's chest. She'd hoped against hope that even against all odds that Skaikru would prevail. If they hadn't, she wasn't sure what would have been made of her deal with the mountain, having them walk above ground without suits would probably have been worse.

With nothing more to say, Indra turned to leave. She paused before ducking out, turning to look at Lexa. "Get some sleep, Heda."

For once, Lexa was inclined to listen. She got up, moving to take the plate Indra brought with her to the back of the tent where she slept. She ate the food, not wanting to waste it, before removing her armour and boots and crawling under her furs.

Sleep did not come quickly though, her mind was too full of everything that had happened recently. Without realizing how much time had passed, she finally fell into a fitful sleep.

It felt like only minutes before she opened her eyes again.

"Heda? There's someone from Skaikru requesting to see you."

Lexa groaned quietly. "I will be there soon." She heard footsteps walk away from her tent. Waiting just a couple of minutes, she pushed herself out of bed before pulling her boots on, and donning her armour. She took a few minutes to redo the messy parts of her braids and apply her war paint.

In less then ten minutes she was pushing aside the flap of her tent, stepping out into the bright morning sun.

A/N:

Hello, welcome to one of the Soulmate verses that I'm planning on writing. There's nothing overly special about this one. It's canon divergent, and is pretty much a rewrite of season three. I don't have too much time to write, so chapters will probably remain short. I'm hoping to update every week.


	2. Warning

The worst guilt is to accept

an unearned guilt.

-Ayn Rand

* * *

Several emotions float through her conscious at once. Standing at the door she feels more pain, more betrayal then anything else. She turns slightly to the left, looking at the small path that Lexa had walked down with Emerson. She knew deep down that had she been offered the deal, she would have taken it too. She may say out loud that she wouldn't, but she would have let Lexa burn in order to save her people. She had been doing that since they hit the ground. She showed it when she burned three hundred of Lexa's warriors at the drop ship without a second thought. She proved that she wanted to protect her people by killing Finn.

So why was it so hard to let go when someone else did the same thing she did? She looked back at the door, left slightly ajar just it had when they walked away. Inside there were bodies just lying there. Clarke swallowed a sob when she thought of the children she'd seen running around playing, now just dead bodies lying on the floor slowly rotting away.

It was that thought that made her finally walk away. She stumbled over several exposed roots before she finally just sat down. Tears clouded her vision, and she finally allowed some of them to fall. She hated herself for it. For the decisions she made, for the decisions others had made. She hated what she did to save a few. She hated that she had to kill someone. She hated that she was left alone. She hated that she felt she had to be alone.

Despite Finn only dying a few weeks before, she felt herself falling for the Commander. For her words, for how she tried to make Clarke understand they way their world worked. Her quiet confidence, how she felt so deeply for everything yet couldn't show it to anyone. She showed it to Clarke. Clarke hadn't realized how much Lexa showed her until the kiss in her tent. Panicking, Clarke had pulled away. _Not yet_ , she had said. Lexa had immediately backed off, understanding clear in her eyes. But there had also been a tiny shred of hurt that had disappeared just as quickly as it appeared.

Using the back of her hand to wipe away her tears, Clarke glanced around the clearing. She was tired, and hungry, and thirsty. She wanted to just lay down and forget everything. She wished for the black void of death. She wanted to live, to make up for all that she had done. Her heart felt pain that she had never expected to ever feel. She had always dreamed of the ground, but had never imagined that she would ever make it there. She thought she would die up on the Ark when they ran out of air. She thought her last moments would be alone in her cell, looking through the window at Earth.

It was almost a relief when it wasn't.

Instead of death, she found herself pushed into things she'd never considered before. She became a leader to ninety-nine other kids. She had to wonder what was coming next. She had to think about where their next meal came from. Their water. How they would defend their little camp from Grounders. She doesn't think she could have done it without Bellamy's help. She drew comfort from their shared circumstances. He became like family to her. For him, she knew, he began to think of her as an equal, almost like a sister except he couldn't order her around like he tried to do to Octavia.

With a quiet sigh, Clarke pushed herself to her feet. She looked around warily, listening carefully, hoping no one had followed her yet. Distantly, she could hear a river babbling, and chose that as her next stop. This time, walking though the woods, she took her steps carefully, not wishing to fall again. Already she could feel a bruise forming on her ribs from where she'd fallen on the root and not moved.

The sun is high in the air when she reaches the river. She looks around carefully before darting out with her canteen. She doesn't care about bacteria at this moment. She just wants water. Pacing herself as she downed as much water as she could, Clarke figured that she should stay close to the river on her journey. It wouldn't do to end up too far from a water source.

When she has had her fill, Clarke fills the canteen one more time before storing it in her pack. She has a few berries still to munch on while she walks, though soon she'll need to hunt for some more. She wishes, not for the first time, that she had more then just her gun and it's limited ammo. She's not very good at hunting, but the meat would help her more then just constantly eating the berries.

She only glances at the mountain behind her once before moving on. She holds her head up high, determined to not let it break her again, though she knows when she lays down to sleep it'll try it's hardest to break her again and again. Dreams she cannot escape from.

She continues to walk at a reasonable pace. Her mind wanders from the mountain, and she finds herself thinking about Camp Jaha. She wonders if Bellamy would keep his promise to look after everyone for her. She wonders if her mother has sent people to look for her yet. She thinks about Raven, about Octavia, about Monty and Jasper. She thinks about the other kids who made it out of Mt. Weather. She wonders if they had nightmares like she does. Bellamy helped her pull that lever. He knew people in the mountain, they helped him. She wonders if it makes it harder for him. Her mind drifts to Octavia. The girl who wasn't Skaikru, and wasn't Trikru. The girl who found a place alongside Lincoln. Who turned Trikru. Who was learning to fight a different way. Now she was stuck with people who just knew her as the girl who lived in the floor. Clarke's heart ached for them all.

Even from a distance, she still wanted to help them. She had to forcefully remind herself to keep going. To continue to be selfish, to heal herself first if she ever wished to help another person again. How can you heal someone else when you yourself is broken?

When the sun dips down behind the trees, Clarke realizes that she has no idea where she was. It scared her, but also made her excited. She was seeing something new. She wanted to explore as much as she could. After years of just staring down at a dream, here she was actually living on it.

With a bit of a spring in her step, Clarke begins making her camp, she chose a cluster of trees that would hide her from view unless someone was really looking, after her blanket was piled right up against one tree, her pack against another one, and her gun resting beside where her head was going to be, she curled up in to a ball, warding off the slight chill.

Just as she was about to fall asleep, the sound of branches being moved, and twigs breaking under foot woke her up. She grabbed her gun, and looked in the direction she heard the noises.

* * *

Lexa sat on her throne, her dagger's point resting on the arm slowly being twirled around by her fingers. It was something for her to fidget with that no one would notice. Over the years, she had a particular spot on the arm where the point had dug down into the wood. But digging the point into the wood was better then when she was doing it to her finger tips.

She paused for a moment when one of her guards ducked inside the tent to let her know that Skaikru was there. "Let them in," she'd told him. She wasn't ready to be faced with them, not after what happened at the mountain, but it seemed like she wouldn't have a choice in the matter.

Moments later, Marcus Kane and an unnamed man walked in. She vaguely recognized the man as the one who tried to get to the mountain door to set the bomb off. Disregarding the man as unimportant, Lexa turned her attention to Marcus. She inclined her head, waiting for him to speak.

"Commander," Kane bowed his head slightly. "I know things between us right now are bad. I've only come to ask permission to remove the bodies from the mountain. To give them a proper burial. We still need this alliance. Despite what happened."

Lexa didn't speak for several moments. "Those in the mountain do not deserve it. Not after what has happened to my people for so long."

"There were innocents among those that died. Children. People who had nothing to do with taking your people."

With an undetectable sigh, Lexa did not argue. The dead were gone. What did it matter. The mountain was gone. "Very well. I will allow you this. However, I will not allow you to bury the dead on my lands. You may burn them, as our culture demands."

Kane bowed his head again. "Thank you Commander."

"I will send some of my men to watch. You may remove the dead, but nothing else in that mountain. No technology or supplies."

Kane opened his mouth to argue, then paused. He understood where Lexa was coming from. "I promise, Commander. We will remove nothing more then the dead bodies from the mountain."

Lexa nodded, her fingers absently pressing the dagger further into the arm of her chair. "Then we have nothing more to speak of, Marcus kom Skaikru."

Kane bowed his head and turned to leave before he paused and looked back at Lexa. He didn't want to ask, but he knew if he didn't then Abby would try to come herself to give the Commander a piece of her mind. "Can I ask, have you seen Clarke?"

Lexa narrowed her eyes. "I have not," she answered shortly.

Kane seemed to believe her since he just nodded again and left the tent, the other man following on his heels. Lexa stared at the tent entrance for way longer then necessary. Her mind was darting in several places at once. She was immensely curious as to where Clarke was going. She didn't need to guess at why Clarke left her people. She understood. She sometimes wished she had that luxury as well. Being able to run away when it felt like she would break under everything that had happened to her, under the weight of the decisions that she made. But Lexa didn't have anyone who could stay behind and lead for her, and even if she did, she didn't think she would trust them to do as well for her people as she herself did.

Closing her eyes, Lexa leaned her head back against her throne. She wasn't sure exactly where Clarke would go, but she could probably guess if she thought about it enough.

"Heda."

Lexa opened her eyes to see Ryder standing just inside the tent.

"There is a scout who has some information for you. She says she rode all night to get this to you and refuses to rest."

"Bring her."

Ryder bowed his head and ducked out of the tent. He was only gone a moment before he held the flap open for a short girl to walk in.

"Commander," the girl bowed her head before looking at Lexa with inquisitive brown eyes.

"What information have you come by that you wish me to know?"

"It's about Heda kom Skaikru. Klark."

Lexa sat up just a bit straighter, her gaze intense as she waited for the girl to continue.

The scout glanced at the map sitting on the table. She walked over and looked at it for a moment. She put her finger down on a spot. "She was camped here just last night. There were several of us who were looking for reapers and we came across her path. I followed her for several miles before she stopped to rest. She's heading east."

Lexa stood up to look where the girl's finger rested on the map. It wasn't too far from here, several hours by horse, but it wouldn't take long to catch up with her. "Thank you for bringing this information to me."

"I'll take my leave then," the girl said, nodding at Lexa before she quickly left.

Lexa stood for several more minutes looking at the map. Clarke probably wanted nothing to do with her. Going after her would not be the best course of action, even sending a warrior to watch her wouldn't be smart. Lexa sighed, rubbing her forehead. There was too much going on at once. She worried about the blonde, but she should be worrying more about Azgeda.

The survivors from the mountain had delayed their departure, claiming that there were a couple who just weren't strong enough to travel so far yet. With no real reason that she could voice, Lexa granted the delay. She'd heard whispers amongst them. A couple of them had appeared out of no where, likely with orders from Nia, and had hidden themselves in the group. It appeared her coalition was already falling apart. Much sooner then she anticipated.

She hadn't moved from the map when Ryder was telling her she had another visitor. She called for them to enter, and was surprised to see an Azgeda warrior. Echo, if she remembered correctly. She was in the mountain.

"Heda, I must be quick. You need to leave. They're marching to Polis. And he was sent to find Wanheda. Nia wants her captured alive."

* * *

A/N: I have a huge problem with my tenses. So if you notice any that don't fit, please send me a message so I can fix them. I don't have a beta for any of my work (mostly because I get way too anxious letting people read what I write).

Also, I should give you a warning. I'm not sure yet if there will be a happy ending or not to this. There will be character death, I just have to make up my mind first on who will die. So if you don't want to see anyone die, I suggest you don't read this work.


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